"Happy Courage: Book Notes on Adler's Philosophy Class, the 'Father of Self-Discovery' 2"

"Courage to be Happy: Philosophy Lessons from Adler, the Father of Self-Discovery 2" Reading Notes#

Author: Ichiro Kishimi, Fumitaka Koga
Reading Time: 3 hours

These are the notes and excerpts I recorded while reading "Courage to be Happy: Philosophy Lessons from Adler, the Father of Self-Discovery 2" on WeChat Reading.

Recommendation Preface 1: Without Enough Courage, You Cannot Be Happy#

Most people love to question. When you have all the answers to these questions, yet find that the reason is that you need to face the wounds from your childhood and treat this world that has hurt you with love instead of hate, this feeling is shocking. It’s not that theories are useless, but that your own wounds have not yet healed. People are more willing to choose hate over love. Because hate is easier than love, it’s simple to operate, and the responsibility does not lie with me; it even gives me more power! But the result of hate is mutual confrontation, and both sides are hurt. The pain in your heart will never have the chance to heal; it will resurface at the slightest disturbance, like a thunderstorm. To choose love, you must first overcome the barrier of hurt. Having been hurt, you must repay it with kindness. What is needed here is not just courage, but knowledge and wisdom. Only by understanding can you accept. Many couples would rather argue than analyze their inner pain because anger is much easier to deal with than heartbreak. If you believe that true happiness is not pretending that everything is fine, and if you want to pursue a clear and profound sense of happiness, the first thing you need is the courage to face your inner pain. And this is the first step on the path of Adler's philosophy.

Recommendation Preface 2: Love at the End of "Self-Reliance"#

If you decide to trust someone, you must trust unconditionally, without considering the consequences, and without fear of being hurt. Otherwise, you do not truly trust them... In love, there is no such thing as the right person or the wrong person; if you decide to love them, then they are the right person. What is called destiny is merely your decision and action... I love him, and it has nothing to do with him...

If you can see the meaning of Adlerian "self-reliance," you will understand the difficulty and weight contained in the simple two words "self-reliance." How much courage must a person have to give up the expectation of controlling others and the environment in exchange for their own autonomy and sense of control! They must have a resilient childlike heart to interact with others without considering the past, without fearing the future, and without seeking recognition and reward!

A person who believes in Adler's philosophy is a hermit among the crowd. Behind "self-reliance" is boundless loneliness. Think of a self-reliant person as someone who has truly weaned psychologically. When they encounter trouble, they no longer have "unreasonable" expectations of family, friends, or colleagues. Of course, they can seek help; that is their own issue. However, whether family and friends extend a helping hand is their own issue, unrelated to them. Or they may have expectations, but whether those expectations are met is also their own matter, unrelated to others. From the day they became self-reliant, they lost the right to complain. Of course, they no longer need to bear any "unreasonable" responsibility for others' emotions, as that is also their own issue. By removing the way people are accustomed to connecting through control and expectation, how can they not feel lonely in front of each independent issue?

If you decide to trust someone, you must trust unconditionally, without considering the consequences, and without fear of being hurt. Otherwise, you do not truly trust them... In love, there is no such thing as the right person or the wrong person; if you decide to love them, then they are the right person. What is called destiny is merely your decision and action... I love him, and it has nothing to do with him...

If you can see the meaning of Adlerian "self-reliance," you will understand the difficulty and weight contained in the simple two words "self-reliance." How much courage must a person have to give up the expectation of controlling others and the environment in exchange for their own autonomy and sense of control! They must have a resilient childlike heart to interact with others without considering the past, without fearing the future, and without seeking recognition and reward!

A person who believes in Adler's philosophy is a hermit among the crowd. Behind "self-reliance" is boundless loneliness. Think of a self-reliant person as someone who has truly weaned psychologically. When they encounter trouble, they no longer have "unreasonable" expectations of family, friends, or colleagues. Of course, they can seek help; that is their own issue. However, whether family and friends extend a helping hand is their own issue, unrelated to them. Or they may have expectations, but whether those expectations are met is also their own matter, unrelated to others. From the day they became self-reliant, they lost the right to complain. Of course, they no longer need to bear any "unreasonable" responsibility for others' emotions, as that is also their own issue. By removing the way people are accustomed to connecting through control and expectation, how can they not feel lonely in front of each independent issue?

Translator's Preface#

To achieve happiness in love and marriage, one must break free from a self-centered way of life, changing the subject of life from "I" to "we." Furthermore, through a sense of contribution that is neither to "you" nor to "me," but to "us," one can achieve self-reliance, gain courage, and move towards happiness. Finally, the author elaborates on the topic of loving those around you to loving all of humanity, detailing the concept of "community feeling." Just as individuals continuously grow and progress, all of humanity should also progress and improve under the guidance of "community feeling."

Is Adlerian Psychology a Religion?#

The modern philosophical giant Kant once said: "We cannot learn philosophy; we can only learn how to engage in philosophy."

The Goal of Education is "Self-Reliance"#

If we set aside the goal of "self-reliance," education, psychological counseling, or career guidance will immediately become a form of coercion. We must clarify where our responsibilities lie. Is education reduced to coercive "interference," or does it stop at promoting self-reliance as "help"? This entirely depends on the attitude of educators, counselors, and guides.

So-called Respect is "Seeing a Person as They Are"#

"Respect is the ability to see a person as they are and recognize their unique individuality."

Do not impose your values on others; strive to discover the inherent value of that person and further help them grow and develop. That is respect. There is no respect in the attitude of trying to control and correct others.

"Respect is the ability to see a person as they are and recognize their unique individuality."

Do not impose your values on others; strive to discover the inherent value of that person and further help them grow and develop. That is respect. There is no respect in the attitude of trying to control and correct others.

If You Have "The Same Mind and Life"#

What we generally think of as resonance is merely agreeing with someone else's opinion by thinking, "I feel the same way." In fact, this is just agreement, not resonance. Resonance is the technique and attitude of approaching others.

The Real Reason for "Inability to Change"#

To affirm the "now" by affirming the unfortunate "past."

The so-called past is not something that cannot be returned to; it fundamentally "does not exist." As long as this is not understood, one cannot comprehend the essence of teleology.

To affirm the "now" by affirming the unfortunate "past."

The so-called past is not something that cannot be returned to; it fundamentally "does not exist." As long as this is not understood, one cannot comprehend the essence of teleology.

Your "Now" Determines the Past#

We, too, are the same. Everyone is the author of the story "I," and in order to prove the legitimacy of "the now me," the past is often rewritten arbitrarily.

There is No "Magic" in Adlerian Psychology#

If I listen to someone complain about "terrible others" and "pitiful selves," and then echo with comforting words like "that must be painful" or "you are not wrong at all," the other person may receive temporary solace and perhaps feel a sense of satisfaction like "it's great to receive psychological counseling" or "it's nice to talk to this person." However, what changes will happen in the following days? If they are hurt again, will they seek treatment? Ultimately, doesn't this become a form of dependency? For this reason, Adlerian psychology talks about "what to do next."

The Classroom is a Democratic Nation#

Adler's thoughts do not ignore laws or rules. However, the rules here must be established through democratic processes. This is very important for both society as a whole and for class management.

What is the "Purpose" of Problematic Behavior?#

Yes. They are not doing "good deeds"; they are merely doing things that can earn praise. Moreover, if they do not receive any praise or attention from anyone, such efforts become meaningless. In this way, they will quickly lose motivation.

Hate Me! Abandon Me!#

Knowing that the other person will not love me, then just hate me, and focus on me in that feeling of hatred. This is the psychology behind it.

Communication in the Name of "Violence"#

What the other party says or how their attitude is provocative, which is listed as the "cause" of violence, is actually meaningless. The "purpose" of violence is singular; what should be considered is "what to do next."

Your Life Can Be Chosen by Yourself#

I want to introduce a quote from Kant. Regarding self-reliance, he said: "People are in a state of immaturity not because they lack reason, but because they lack the resolution and courage to use their reason without the guidance of others. In other words, being in a state of immaturity is one's own responsibility."

Educators who make students say things like "I graduated thanks to the teacher" or "I passed thanks to the teacher" have failed in true education; they must make students feel that they achieved everything through their own efforts.

Respect children's own decisions and help them make decisions. Also, tell children that you can always provide help and guard them at a distance that is not too close but allows for assistance at any time. Even if the decisions they make fail, children learn the lesson that "their lives can be chosen by themselves."

I want to introduce a quote from Kant. Regarding self-reliance, he said: "People are in a state of immaturity not because they lack reason, but because they lack the resolution and courage to use their reason without the guidance of others. In other words, being in a state of immaturity is one's own responsibility."

Educators who make students say things like "I graduated thanks to the teacher" or "I passed thanks to the teacher" have failed in true education; they must make students feel that they achieved everything through their own efforts.

Respect children's own decisions and help them make decisions. Also, tell children that you can always provide help and guard them at a distance that is not too close but allows for assistance at any time. Even if the decisions they make fail, children learn the lesson that "their lives can be chosen by themselves."

Praise Brings Competition#

Breaking the rules will result in severe punishment, while following the rules will be greatly praised. Moreover, the latter will also be recognized. In other words, people do not support the personality or ideological beliefs of the leader; the purpose of compliance is merely to "gain praise" or "avoid criticism."

The Illness of Community#

Where there is competition, strategies will arise, even breeding improper behavior. There is no need to defeat anyone; isn't it enough to simply complete the journey?

To prevent this situation, organizations must implement a true democracy without rewards or punishments and without competition. Please remember: attempting to manipulate others' education through rewards and punishments is the most anti-democratic attitude.

Yes, it is the illness called the principle of competition. What educators should focus on is not the "individual" exhibiting problematic behavior, but the "community" where problematic behavior has occurred. Moreover, the community itself must be treated, not the individual.

Where there is competition, strategies will arise, even breeding improper behavior. There is no need to defeat anyone; isn't it enough to simply complete the journey?

To prevent this situation, organizations must implement a true democracy without rewards or punishments and without competition. Please remember: attempting to manipulate others' education through rewards and punishments is the most anti-democratic attitude.

Yes, it is the illness called the principle of competition. What educators should focus on is not the "individual" exhibiting problematic behavior, but the "community" where problematic behavior has occurred. Moreover, the community itself must be treated, not the individual.

Life Begins with "Imperfection"#

However, living is not about fulfilling others' expectations. Whether the other person is a parent, teacher, or anyone else, we cannot choose to live in a way that satisfies "that person’s" expectations.

Civilization is a product created to fill the biological weaknesses of humanity; the history of humanity is a history of overcoming inferiority.

Everyone has a sense of community within them, which is closely linked to the need for recognition.

However, living is not about fulfilling others' expectations. Whether the other person is a parent, teacher, or anyone else, we cannot choose to live in a way that satisfies "that person’s" expectations.

Civilization is a product created to fill the biological weaknesses of humanity; the history of humanity is a history of overcoming inferiority.

Everyone has a sense of community within them, which is closely linked to the need for recognition.

The Courage of "Self-Identity"#

Strictly speaking, this is not the case. Adlerian psychology believes that the most fundamental need of humanity is the "sense of belonging." In other words, it is the desire not to be isolated, to genuinely feel "I can be here." Because isolation first leads to social death, and soon after, biological death. So how can one gain a sense of belonging? It is to achieve a special status within the community, not to "become indistinguishable from others."

Those who can only experience happiness when praised will continue to pursue "more praise" until the last moment of their lives. Such people are placed in a "dependent" position, living a life of eternal demand and never being satisfied.

Allowing others to determine the value of "me" is dependency. On the other hand, determining "my" value by myself is called "self-reliance." Where does happiness live? The answer is clear. It is not others who determine your value.

Do not seek value from "being different from others," but seek value from "maintaining oneself"; this is true individuality. Not recognizing the "true self" and blindly comparing oneself to others, emphasizing "difference," is a self-deceptive way of living.

Strictly speaking, this is not the case. Adlerian psychology believes that the most fundamental need of humanity is the "sense of belonging." In other words, it is the desire not to be isolated, to genuinely feel "I can be here." Because isolation first leads to social death, and soon after, biological death. So how can one gain a sense of belonging? It is to achieve a special status within the community, not to "become indistinguishable from others."

Those who can only experience happiness when praised will continue to pursue "more praise" until the last moment of their lives. Such people are placed in a "dependent" position, living a life of eternal demand and never being satisfied.

Allowing others to determine the value of "me" is dependency. On the other hand, determining "my" value by myself is called "self-reliance." Where does happiness live? The answer is clear. It is not others who determine your value.

Do not seek value from "being different from others," but seek value from "maintaining oneself"; this is true individuality. Not recognizing the "true self" and blindly comparing oneself to others, emphasizing "difference," is a self-deceptive way of living.

Problematic Behavior is Targeting "You"#

Adlerian psychology considers all human words and actions within the context of interpersonal relationships. For example, if someone engages in self-harm like cutting their wrists, Adler does not see their behavior as aimless. Hurting oneself is aimed at someone, just like "revenge" in problematic behavior. In other words, all words and actions have a targeted "object."

Why Do People Want to Become "Saviors"?#

Speak? Philosopher: Yes. When hearing the term self-reliance, some people often consider it only from an economic perspective. However, even a ten-year-old child can be self-reliant, while some people may still be unable to be self-reliant even in their fifties or sixties. Self-reliance is a mental issue.

Wanting to save others to save oneself, to feel one's value by playing the role of a savior, is a form of superiority complex that those who cannot eliminate their inferiority often fall into, commonly referred to as the "Messiah complex." It is a psychological abnormality that desires to become a Messiah, that is, a savior of others.

Speak? Philosopher: Yes. When hearing the term self-reliance, some people often consider it only from an economic perspective. However, even a ten-year-old child can be self-reliant, while some people may still be unable to be self-reliant even in their fifties or sixties. Self-reliance is a mental issue.

Wanting to save others to save oneself, to feel one's value by playing the role of a savior, is a form of superiority complex that those who cannot eliminate their inferiority often fall into, commonly referred to as the "Messiah complex." It is a psychological abnormality that desires to become a Messiah, that is, a savior of others.

Education is Not "Work" but "Friendship"#

The "life tasks" consist of three major aspects: work, friendship, and love.

All Happiness is Interpersonal Happiness#

If all troubles stem from interpersonal relationships, can we simply cut off relationships with others? Can we just stay away from others and lock ourselves in our rooms? Not at all, because human happiness also comes from interpersonal relationships. A person who "exists alone in the universe" has no troubles but also no happiness, and will lead an extremely dull life. Adler's statement that "all troubles are interpersonal troubles" also implies the definition of happiness that "all happiness is interpersonal happiness."

What Matters is "How to Utilize What is Given"#

Recall Adler's saying, "What matters is not what is given, but how to utilize what is given." No matter what kind of object it is, it can be "respected" and "trusted." Because this is not determined by the environment or the object, but depends on your own resolution.

Proactive "Trust"#

Trust is not blind faith. Question that person's beliefs or what they say. Independent thinking and retaining your own ideas is not a bad thing; it is a very important task. On this basis, what should be done is to still believe in that person even if they lied.

We only believe the words of those who "trust themselves," rather than judging others based on "the correctness of opinions."

From small quarrels between ordinary people to large-scale wars between nations, all disputes stem from the conflict of "my justice." "Justice" changes with time, environment, or position; there is no single justice or single answer anywhere. Overly believing in "correctness" is dangerous. In such cases, we hope to find common ground, desire "connections" with others, and expect to join forces with others... If you want to join forces, you must first extend your hand.

Regardless of whether you trust me, I trust you and continue to trust. This is what "unconditional" means.

Trust is not blind faith. Question that person's beliefs or what they say. Independent thinking and retaining your own ideas is not a bad thing; it is a very important task. On this basis, what should be done is to still believe in that person even if they lied.

We only believe the words of those who "trust themselves," rather than judging others based on "the correctness of opinions."

From small quarrels between ordinary people to large-scale wars between nations, all disputes stem from the conflict of "my justice." "Justice" changes with time, environment, or position; there is no single justice or single answer anywhere. Overly believing in "correctness" is dangerous. In such cases, we hope to find common ground, desire "connections" with others, and expect to join forces with others... If you want to join forces, you must first extend your hand.

Regardless of whether you trust me, I trust you and continue to trust. This is what "unconditional" means.

People Can Never Truly Understand Each Other#

In principle, what is recognized through work is your "function," not "you." If a person with a "better function" appears, those around will turn to them. This is the principle of the market, the principle of competition. As a result, you can never escape the vortex of competition, nor can you gain a true sense of belonging.

Life Must Endure the Test of "Ordinary Daily Life"#

Humanity does not only face tests and decisions during significant life events like exams, employment, or marriage. For us, ordinary daily life is also a test, and we need to make many significant decisions in the "here and now." Those who avoid these tests can never attain true happiness.

From "Ways of Being Loved" to "Ways of Loving"#

What you refer to as "passively falling in love" is actually this desire for possession and conquest.

Changing the "Subject" of Life#

Adler said: We can only experience our value when we feel "I am useful to someone." After realizing our value, we can gain a sense of belonging like "I can be here." On the other hand, we cannot know whether our actions are truly useful to others; even if the person in front of us appears very happy, in principle, we cannot know if they are genuinely happy. This is where the term "sense of contribution" comes in. If we have a subjective feeling of "I am useful to others," that is the sense of contribution, and that is enough. There is no need to continue seeking evidence; find happiness in the sense of contribution and joy from it. We can feel useful to others through work relationships, and we can feel useful to others through friendships; if that is the case, happiness lies within.

Since birth, we have been observing the world with "my" eyes, listening to sounds with "my" ears, and pursuing "my" happiness in life; everyone is like this. However, when we understand true love, the subject of life changes from "I" to "we." It is neither selfishness nor altruism, but living under a new criterion.

To achieve a happy life, the "self" should disappear.

Adler said: We can only experience our value when we feel "I am useful to someone." After realizing our value, we can gain a sense of belonging like "I can be here." On the other hand, we cannot know whether our actions are truly useful to others; even if the person in front of us appears very happy, in principle, we cannot know if they are genuinely happy. This is where the term "sense of contribution" comes in. If we have a subjective feeling of "I am useful to others," that is the sense of contribution, and that is enough. There is no need to continue seeking evidence; find happiness in the sense of contribution and joy from it. We can feel useful to others through work relationships, and we can feel useful to others through friendships; if that is the case, happiness lies within.

Since birth, we have been observing the world with "my" eyes, listening to sounds with "my" ears, and pursuing "my" happiness in life; everyone is like this. However, when we understand true love, the subject of life changes from "I" to "we." It is neither selfishness nor altruism, but living under a new criterion.

To achieve a happy life, the "self" should disappear.

Self-Reliance is Breaking Free from "Self-Centeredness"#

Everyone starts from an almost excessive "self-centeredness"; otherwise, survival would be impossible. However, we cannot always reign over the "center of the world"; we must reconcile with the world and understand that we are a part of it... If we can understand this, the meaning of the term "self-reliance," which has been repeatedly discussed today, will become clear.

Self-reliance is "breaking away from self-centeredness."

Change is possible; you can change your lifestyle, worldview, or life philosophy. Love is transforming the subject of life from "I" to "we." Through love, we liberate ourselves from "self," achieve self-reliance, and truly accept the world.

After understanding love, the subject of life becomes "we," marking a new beginning in life. What begins as "we" between two people will soon expand to the entire community and even all of humanity.

Everyone starts from an almost excessive "self-centeredness"; otherwise, survival would be impossible. However, we cannot always reign over the "center of the world"; we must reconcile with the world and understand that we are a part of it... If we can understand this, the meaning of the term "self-reliance," which has been repeatedly discussed today, will become clear.

Self-reliance is "breaking away from self-centeredness."

Change is possible; you can change your lifestyle, worldview, or life philosophy. Love is transforming the subject of life from "I" to "we." Through love, we liberate ourselves from "self," achieve self-reliance, and truly accept the world.

After understanding love, the subject of life becomes "we," marking a new beginning in life. What begins as "we" between two people will soon expand to the entire community and even all of humanity.

Who Does Love Really Point To?#

The "way of living loved" is entirely a self-centered way of living, constantly exploring how to concentrate others' attention and how to stand at the "center of the world."

How to Win Parents' Love#

Understanding the importance of power and authority, enjoying exercising power, and valuing rules and constraints is precisely the conservative way of life.

People Fear "Loving"#

Love is closely linked to courage. You still do not understand love, fear love, avoid love, and thus retain the way of life from childhood. Because you lack the courage to embrace love.

Fromm said: "People consciously fear not being loved, but unconsciously fear love." He also said: "Love is acting despite having no guarantees, holding the hope that if I love, the other person will surely feel love in their heart, and wholeheartedly dedicating oneself."

Love is closely linked to courage. You still do not understand love, fear love, avoid love, and thus retain the way of life from childhood. Because you lack the courage to embrace love.

Fromm said: "People consciously fear not being loved, but unconsciously fear love." He also said: "Love is acting despite having no guarantees, holding the hope that if I love, the other person will surely feel love in their heart, and wholeheartedly dedicating oneself."

There is No "Destined Person"#

The person worthy of love is right in front of you, yet you find various reasons to retreat, saying "this is not the person," and deceive yourself into thinking "there must be someone more ideal, more perfect, more fated." You do not genuinely want to develop the relationship further, actively eliminating all candidates.

Love is "Decision"#

Fromm said: "Loving someone is not merely due to intense feelings; it is a decision, a determination, a commitment."

There is only one thing you should do: take the hand of the person next to you and dance with all your might. This is where destiny begins.

Fromm said: "Loving someone is not merely due to intense feelings; it is a decision, a determination, a commitment."

There is only one thing you should do: take the hand of the person next to you and dance with all your might. This is where destiny begins.

Re-Choosing a Way of Life#

In a loving relationship, not everything is happiness; there are significant responsibilities to bear, and there will be hardships and unforeseen suffering. Even so, can you still love? No matter what difficulties arise, can you love this person and continue to walk together? Do you have that determination? Can you make such a promise?

Keep It Simple#

The world is simple, and life is the same. However, "keeping it simple is difficult." Because it requires constantly enduring the tests of "ordinary daily life."

To Friends Who Will Create a New Era#

Since time is limited, all interpersonal relationships are established on the premise of "separation." This is not nihilism; the reality is that we meet to separate.

In the philosopher's study, isolated from the outside world, stepping out of this door, the outside is a chaotic world, waiting with noise, conflict, and endless daily life. "The world is simple, and life is the same." "However, keeping it simple is very difficult; there are endless tests of ordinary daily life." Indeed. Even so, I still want to plunge back into the chaotic world because my companions and my students live in this vast chaotic world, and because that is where I live... The youth took a deep breath and resolutely decided to open the door to reality.

Since time is limited, all interpersonal relationships are established on the premise of "separation." This is not nihilism; the reality is that we meet to separate.

In the philosopher's study, isolated from the outside world, stepping out of this door, the outside is a chaotic world, waiting with noise, conflict, and endless daily life. "The world is simple, and life is the same." "However, keeping it simple is very difficult; there are endless tests of ordinary daily life." Indeed. Even so, I still want to plunge back into the chaotic world because my companions and my students live in this vast chaotic world, and because that is where I live... The youth took a deep breath and resolutely decided to open the door to reality.

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